Life on Lofty Lane: The End of a Journey Much Too Soon

Someone told Frank and I that this would be the hardest thing we'd go through. I think we were at the hospital, which became such a familiar place for us all. I remember acknowledging the comment yet at the time not fully understanding. Big Frank was still with us then and our focus was on the now. Still trying to hope that something could happen to make things better, yet knowing that it would not be.

We have found that comment to be true. Something said maybe to help prepare us for the tremendous sadness we would feel, but there is no preparing. Our hearts are heavy for so many reasons. I mentioned before many of the things I was sad for when we knew this life we planned wouldn't go as planned. These vacations we would take where Big Frank would be here to play golf with his sons and teach his grandchildren will not happen. Big Frank won't be here to make the pinching sound as he would playfully pinch the kids to make them laugh. We won't have more birthdays, holidays, or other special moments with him, at least not on this earth. What we have is what we have and while I am thankful for the memories we have, they are not enough. And while the intentions of so many are to help us, thinking of those memories and remembering the good times will never be enough. It feels like we have had to go through this much, much too soon. And we are asking why because it doesn't make sense and it hurts. Usually, now, we are ok. We have moments where we are overcome with sadness, but in general our days are so busy and hectic with our kids. But we have not returned to Austin yet, and I know that when we do it will hit me again like a freight train. I'll feel the absence of Big Frank's presence as I walk through their house. And I know it will feel like it has happened all over again because we won't be adjusted to being there without him. This sadness we feel comes in waves. For a few weeks I would cry every day on my way to work thinking of the memories and the sadness for everyone. Now I am usually ok unless I really start thinking about it and usually I try not to all the time. But sometimes a song will come on the radio and for some reason it's like we are in Austin and we are driving to the hospital to see his dad. It feels like we should be stopping for coffee, some pastries so we could pick up his favorites, or Taco Shack so he could have breakfast tacos. We should be parking in the front of the hospital in the valet area since it is free on the weekends and then be able to visit with Dorthy and Big Frank. All of these memories and thoughts instantly fill my mind and I will tear up realizing that we aren't going to see his Dad.

Everyone asks me how my Frank is... and I think he is ok. He honestly is better than I am. His sadness is there, but he continues on and really is doing well. I know he misses his dad. And that there is a place that cannot be filled by anyone or anything because his dad was such a special part of his life. And really that is a huge part of what makes this all so hard. My sadness is not just about what I am missing, it's the enormity of the loss to everyone Big Frank touched. His wife, his children, his grandchildren, his brother, other family, friends... It is that everyone hurts and things won't ever be the same.

What has helped greatly with all of this has been the support from friends and family. My family came to Big Frank's funeral and so did my sweet friends Stefanie and Sue. That meant so much. The flowers my girlfriends sent brought tears to my eyes just knowing they were trying to lift our spirits. And all the cards from friends... such wonderful support. It's a powerful emotion that I feel to know that the prayers and thoughts from so many people were sent to help us get through this time.

I know it will continue to be hard for us, especially with the holidays coming soon. We will just have things as they come and do what we can. We will feel how we feel and that will be what it is. Being a planner I want to try to plan things and make things ok, but I realize I cannot control this. Nothing will make this easy... we just have to do it and live it...

I'd like to share the poem we selected for Big Frank's service program. While the message usually makes me cry, I think it helps:

I Am Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free

to follow the path God made for me.

I took His hand when I heard Him call.

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,

to love, to laugh, to work or play,

Tasks left undone must stay that way,

for I found peace at last, that day.

If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembering joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,