Bring on the Yoga Pants...

At the end of July I left the business world to stay home with Emerson and Cameron.  Such a HUGE decision that I wrestled with for many months.  Back in the early, early days of motherhood the idea of staying home with the kids was just not even conceivable for me.  I loved Emerson, the sweet little cute baby she was, but I really feared for my sanity if I were to have stayed home.  Who would I talk to and how would I make it through the day?  I couldn't even last the full 12 weeks of maternity leave!  So I worked and all was well.  We had a wonderful nanny who loved the solitude and I was able to continue enjoying working at Fujitsu, because I really truly did enjoy working.  Occasionally I would have the thought that I should be staying home with her, but I always quickly dismissed it.  Then along came sweet Cameron, and I again was happy to get back to work.  We had a different nanny to care for the two kids, and again, everyone was happy.  Our new nanny loved her job, I loved my job, and the kids were happy.  Still though, I would occasionally have that tug at my heart that I should stay home.  I'd feel that tug on good days at work and certainly on bad days.  Many days I would think, what is the point of what I'm doing??  What am I thinking I will achieve that is so important?  I could be with the kids everyday and enjoy all that comes with it, from the tantrums to the hugs and kisses.  But it scared me so much to make that huge leap.  Because it was HUGE for me.  For quite some time I had been convincing myself staying home was not the best thing for our family.  Yet, despite that, the tugging just got more and more persistent.  I was not as happy at work as I had been in the past during the time that these thoughts became more and more frequent.  And really, I felt lost and confused.  I could no longer dismiss those feelings that I should stay home and call it crazy.  My priorities were shifting and I began to understand that I didn't have to work to feel a sense of worth... or that I was an achiever.  It would be ok for me to pick back up later, when and if I want to enter back in to the business world. With all of the feelings just really hammering me, not being dramatic at all, it felt inescapable, I prayed more about it and listened to my heart.  I talked to Frank, in tears most of the time because it was just eating me up. He was fully supportive realizing and seeing how I was feeling.  This was a big change for him as well!!  Thank goodness, also, for my sweet friends who shared their perspectives and reassured me that I could do it.  Especially Ashley, who may never know how thankful I am to have her guidance and her ability to listen so well... I love that woman!  :)  Still, I had so many fears even though I knew it was the right thing for me/us.  I was going to do it... FINAL DECISION.  I shared the news with a larger circle including our families, who were also supportive, though I think a bit surprised. :) In the past when the subject came up in family discussions I always said I wouldn't do it, so they had to absorb the big news.  And then I told my employer.  I knew it would be a shock to most... to be honest it was still a shock to me! :) Instantly I felt relief and so happy... I worried about letting the people I cared about at work down, but they understood.  EVERYONE knew and everyone understood.  I couldn't get over how many coworkers, both men and women, supported the decision.  I couldn't believe how many people told me they were proud of me and that I would not regret it.  God knew the support I needed and the transition went so well, except for a breakdown or two as I tried to wrap things up.  I gave a lengthy notice to allow for as much preparation to be done as possible, but you know how that goes.  :)

Fast forward five months and here I am... still SO happy I made that decision.  These kids have driven me absolutely nuts some days, especially Cameron with his tantrums.  That little boy is a real hot head sometimes... but then he is the absolute sweetest little boy.  I have the joy of watching them play and laugh and cuddle with them.  I am able to make so many more memories and be part of everything in their lives.  It's like a weight has been lifted that had become heavier and heavier.  Not every day is "butterflies and rainbow kisses", but there is joy in every day with these kids.  And on days when they are both in preschool from 9-2, this super spoiled mom gets to run errands, grocery shop, get a pedicure or whatever I want... it doesn't get any better and I know that.  We hope to change things with a future baby #3, which will change those "free times" I enjoy, but I can't wait for that.  Maybe the next go around I will get better at baby wearing.  :)  I love being home... I am so glad I took that leap.

I do miss my coworkers though... so many wonderful people I used to see 5 days a week.  So for those of you who read my blog... I DO miss you!!  But, nothing is better than these kids!  :)

I'm no stranger to the camera with taking pictures with the kids, so here are a few...