Pumpkin Patch at the Arboretum!

I was really wanting to take the kids to the Arboretum while the weather was nice so I decided KK and I could take them on my day off this past Thursday before my afternoon of relaxation and pampering.  I was hoping for a picture of both of them in the pumpkins together, but that is just about impossible.  Really they were both a tad cranky it seemed and Emerson was not at all interested in helping me get a good picture.  :) But they did have fun running around to explore the pumpkins.  Before we left I bought them both mini pumpkins, which I let Emerson pick from the big mound near the exit.  And I actually am pretty pleased with the pictures I got... especially the picture of Cameron.  He looks so old!!

Frank and I will hopefully head out there together with the kids in the next few weeks to enjoy the garden in the fall.  It is always so beautiful.  

Farewell Lofty Lane

In the midst of dealing with everything else going on in our lives it felt like no one wanted to buy our house.  We would have people interested, but no offers.  Paula, our realtor, had several open houses while we were out of town, and finally we got two offers within a few days of each other.  The first was not strong so we held out for the second offer we hoped would be coming and it did.  While it was not for the amount we hoped, it was a strong offer.  So we countered and the potential buyer walked away... he wasn't willing to pay a penny over the original offer.  We were really blown away... that was the first sign that the buyer seems to be a bit of a hot-head.  But our realtor contacted their realtor and resurrected the offer eventually.  That was a relief.  While we still did not like the amount, it was better than not having a buyer at all!  So then came the inspection.  We have not had any problems with the house at all... nothing outside of normal.  But the inspector found what he thought was a water leak near the pool equipment.  We were surprised and disappointed because we already had so much to deal with.  But we agreed to repair the leak, whatever it was and the buyer's option period came to an end.  Another big relief.  I began calling the Sprinkler company to have them repair the sprinkler leak that seemed to be the source.  Thinking it was all being taken care of we were focusing on Frank's dad as he was not doing well at all... we knew he did not have long, but didn't know how short the time was.  When I returned home and talked with the sprinkler repair man he explained he could not find any leak in the sprinklers.  So I turned to Riverbend again needing them to make absolutely sure nothing was wrong with the hot-tub or equipment.  Really Riverbend had been awful to work with through this... they did not seem to care what the problem was or want to solve it... they just wanted to reiterate it was not their problem to deal with.  During all of this time we were moving out of the house...  and the night after we moved is when Big Frank passed away so we were in Austin.  While in Austin I got in touch with Riverbend to schedule a time for their repair man to meet with the sprinkler repair man because he thought he could help explain what he found.  When I returned from Austin I went to the house to get some last minute things... and with just days before closing I was starting to panic that between Riverbend coming out and the sprinkler guy doing his work we still didn't have the leak resolved. That weekend, Frank, a water leak specialist with Riverbend, came out to do more pressure testing.  They still couldn't figure it out.  Finally a person from Riverbend who really cared and wanted to help us, but he couldn't because he too was not able to figure out what the problem was.  They just knew it absolutely was not the hot-tub or the hot-tub equipment... that it was not the sprinkler system... and that it was not a leak with the plumbing with the house.  All good news except that we still couldn't explain the water that was pooled on the side yard.  This was Saturday with closing scheduled Monday.  On Sunday after talking about the dilemma with our neighbor, we had an epiphany... it was the french drain!  So the wonderful sprinkler repair man rescheduled everything he had scheduled for Monday morning to come to the house first thing to flush the drain and get it to drain properly.  After a couple of hours of pushing a pipe through and looking for clogs, he found a big wad of stuff that was blocking the water from flowing and solved the problem.  This was just minutes before the scheduled closing.  This was just as the buyer's agent came to do the walk through.  Our realtor had us sign an amendment that we repaired the french drain blockage and the buyer's signed it at closing as well... and with that we said goodbye.  

I think with everything that we have gone through recently with Frank's dad that my emotions were spent... I didn't have a tearful moment really... I was sad of course, but really I felt ok.  It had been a wonderful home for our family.  So many cherished memories...  In that house we went through many ups and downs... we had the loss of a pregnancy... the excitement and joy of bringing home two babies... the loss of a beloved pet... 6 years of birthdays, holidays, celebrations.  Lots of memories planting flowers... doing the yard work we were always so proud of.  We remember the fun time we had building the house and picking out all the colors that we wanted.  Watching it go from a mound of dirt, to the slab being poured... framing, bricking, and everything coming together.  We will miss Emerson's beautiful mural and Cameron's room...  It was our house... a really great house with great neighbors.  So yes, we will miss it.  But we are thankful that we have this new house where we will make new memories... and we know this new house will be wonderful for us.  So, farewell Lofty Lane.  We hope the new owners take as good of care as we did and that they, too, have wonderful memories there.  

Emerson's 1st Day of School!

I'm so behind on posting about all the things we have going on!  Emerson started school on September 4th!

The week before we had her open house, which went absolutely terribly.  We had been talking a lot about school trying to promote it to her and get her both excited and used to the idea of school.  The night of open house came and we hurried to get both kids ready to go to the church.  As we were parking in what felt like a very full parking lot, which I noted meant we must have been the last parents to arrive, Emerson started to sort of freak out.  She started saying she didn't like school and she didn't want to go.  I carried her in assuring her it would be fun and that she would like it.  After we got in I realized in my amateur fashion that I neglected to print out the email that had her room number and I couldn't remember her teacher's name because I could hardly pronounce it right.  So I was aimlessly walking around thinking I would recognize it when I saw it.  That is when a sweet lady saw us and asked if she could help so I explained and she joined us walking class to class trying to find the teacher because she was not sure either.  All during this time Emerson was clinging to me as if her life depended on it.  Finally we found the room... Mrs W is what she says to call her.  She was the sweetest lady, but Emerson was still reluctant to even go in the room.  But we got her to go in and distracted her with the toys.  That is when she became engrossed in the play kitchen and was busy with the new toys there.  While she played we visited briefly with her teacher and talked about what to expect.  And then it was nearing time to go to the parent assembly in the old sanctuary.  I wanted to get Emerson and Cameron so we could head over.  I told Emerson we needed to leave and she said "Not Yet!" and because I am trying to get her to do what we tell her I said she would get a spanking if she didn't come with us.  And she still did not stop, which left me no choice.  I grabbed her and spanked her lightly, as I warned I would, and at that moment my daughter became something I have never seen...  She screamed/yelled "NO" louder than I think we have ever heard her scream and with both hands slapped my face as hard as she could...  IN. FRONT. OF. EVERYONE.  The other moms... the other dads... the other kids.... and sweet Mrs W.  I was incredibly angry, more angry than I have ever been with her...  I was MORTIFIED... What must these other people think of me and of Emerson?  Surely they were thinking "What kind of parent is she?"...  I was shocked.  Why would she react this way?  I did not beat her for heaven's sake... I hardly spanked her.  At that moment I wanted to burst into tears... vanish from the room without anyone noticing, but ALL eyes were on us.  Once I looked around to see who was watching the other eyes darted away mostly, except the teacher who calmly came to tell me it was ok and that I should not feel bad.  She knew Emerson was a sweet girl.  Feeling that I was quickly going to lose control of my emotions we hurried to leave and go to the parent assembly.  I could hardly look at Emerson... I was so angry and hurt... and I am not exaggerating when I say my face was still burning because it was.  After the meeting, which thankfully was very short, we left to run a couple of errands before going home.  As we were driving I started to cry... I just couldn't hold it in any longer.  I hated that the open house went that way.  Something I had been looking forward to because I was so excited for Emerson to start school went so horribly.  After a while Frank saw that I was upset and he said to me "You are a great mom"... like he knew I needed to hear those words.  And I did.  Being honest, I am constantly second guessing myself and asking if I am being a good mom... I didn't need that night to go like it did.

So when the first day of school arrived I was hoping it would go much better.  We had just had a very, very awful weekend in Austin as it was when Big Frank had to be admitted back in the hospital.  It was when we were told he would possibly not live more than a week because the cancer was spreading into his brain and he was no longer communicating, but I was torn with no knowing what to do.  I decided to come back home so she could go to school and we could keep the kids in their normal routine.  

The morning went well... we got her dressed in the outfit I picked out.  She was enjoying a good breakfast and then it was time to go.  I got some pictures of her outside and we left the house to take her to school.  When we got to school she was doing great... we saw all the other excited kids and parents taking pictures outside for the big day.  We, of course, took some as well and in we went to walk to her classroom.  Before getting there we even stopped for a first day fo school picture using their photographer.  When we arrived at Mrs W's classroom Emerson was excited.  She went right in and started playing.  I explained briefly to Mrs. W that we may be needing to leave town quickly depending on what happened with Big Frank so she would know.  While discussing this Emerson was busy playing and didn't even see us.  So Kristen and I slipped away without causing a stir and all was calm.  It went perfectly... no tears... no screaming... just a sweet and happy 3 year old playing with new friends... and a weary and exhausted mom relieved that there were no struggles that morning.  I actually feel that my emotions for a brief moment were gleeful...  This very important and special day went well... thank you Lord.  I DID need that.  

Since then I would say Emerson has done great adjusting to the routine with school.  Sometimes she is tired in the mornings when KK gets her ready, but normally it goes smoothly.  She brings home lots of fun artwork.  She has recently started singing some new songs that I think she must be learning there.  And she has dance on Wednesdays, which she also seems to enjoy.  It is all going so well... she is even doing great with eating her lunch half the time!  :)

Enjoying her favorite breakfast... pancakes!!

All ready to go!!

The photo taken by the school photographer.  She was grinning because she threw the apple that was sitting on the books originally!!

The End of a Journey Much Too Soon

Someone told Frank and I that this would be the hardest thing we'd go through.  I think we were at the hospital, which became such a familiar place for us all.  I remember acknowledging the comment yet at the time not fully understanding.  Big Frank was still with us then and our focus was on the now.  Still trying to hope that something could happen to make things better, yet knowing that it would not be.

We have found that comment to be true.  Something said maybe to help prepare us for the tremendous sadness we would feel, but there is no preparing.  Our hearts are heavy for so many reasons.   I mentioned before many of the things I was sad for when we knew this life we planned wouldn't go as planned.  These vacations we would take where Big Frank would be here to play golf with his sons and teach his grandchildren will not happen.  Big Frank won't be here to make the pinching sound as he would playfully pinch the kids to make them laugh.  We won't have more birthdays, holidays, or other special moments with him, at least not on this earth.  What we have is what we have and while I am thankful for the memories we have, they are not enough.  And while the intentions of so many are to help us, thinking of those memories and remembering the good times will never be enough.  It feels like we have had to go through this much, much too soon.  And we are asking why because it doesn't make sense and it hurts.  Usually, now, we are ok.  We have moments where we are overcome with sadness, but in general our days are so busy and hectic with our kids.  But we have not returned to Austin yet, and I know that when we do it will hit me again like a freight train.  I'll feel the absence of Big Frank's presence as I walk through their house.  And I know it will feel like it has happened all over again because we won't be adjusted to being there without him.  This sadness we feel comes in waves.  For a few weeks I would cry every day on my way to work thinking of the memories and the sadness for everyone.  Now I am usually ok unless I really start thinking about it and usually I try not to all the time.  But sometimes a song will come on the radio and for some reason it's like we are in Austin and we are driving to the hospital to see his dad.  It feels like we should be stopping for coffee, some pastries so we could pick up his favorites, or Taco Shack so he could have breakfast tacos.  We should be parking in the front of the hospital in the valet area since it is free on the weekends and then be able to visit with Dorthy and Big Frank.  All of these memories and thoughts instantly fill my mind and I will tear up realizing that we aren't going to see his Dad.

Everyone asks me how my Frank is... and I think he is ok.  He honestly is better than I am.  His sadness is there, but he continues on and really is doing well.  I know he misses his dad.  And that there is a place that cannot be filled by anyone or anything because his dad was such a special part of his life.  And really that is a huge part of what makes this all so hard.  My sadness is not just about what I am missing, it's the enormity of the loss to everyone Big Frank touched.  His wife, his children, his grandchildren, his brother, other family, friends... It is that everyone hurts and things won't ever be the same.

What has helped greatly with all of this has been the support from friends and family.  My family came to Big Frank's funeral and so did my sweet friends Stefanie and Sue.  That meant so much.  The flowers my girlfriends sent brought tears to my eyes just knowing they were trying to lift our spirits.  And all the cards from friends... such wonderful support.  It's a powerful emotion that I feel to know that the prayers and thoughts from so many people were sent to help us get through this time.

I know it will continue to be hard for us, especially with the holidays coming soon.  We will just have things as they come and do what we can.  We will feel how we feel and that will be what it is.  Being a planner I want to try to plan things and make things ok, but I realize I cannot control this.  Nothing will make this easy... we just have to do it and live it...

I'd like to share the poem we selected for Big Frank's service program.  While the message usually makes me cry, I think it helps:

I Am Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free 

to follow the path God made for me.

I took His hand when I heard Him call.

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,

to love, to laugh, to work or play,

Tasks left undone must stay that way,

for I found peace at last, that day.

If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembering joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,

oh yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with hearts of sorrow.

My wish for you is the hope of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I've savored much,

good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed much too brief,

don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your hearts and share with me,

God wants me now --- He's set me free.  

Below are a few pictures that mean a lot to me...

Dorthy holding Big Frank's hand in the ICU.

Big Frank holding the cross he gave Dorthy.

Some of my favorite pictures of Big Frank with the kids.

Big Frank's casket at the visitation.

Sweet Cameron before the funeral.

Emerson before the funeral... Big Frank would have thought she looked so beautiful.

The kid's fingerprints on top of Big Frank's vault at the cemetery.  They will always be with him.

We miss Big Frank so so much.