Tomorrow, our last baby will turn 1. She won't be zero any more. It's always tickled me that Emerson and Cameron have said she is zero when talking about her age. From day one to now she's had that classification in their eyes, yet in mine she was first just hours old, then days, then weeks and then months. Continuing to get older and grow and grow, but still, her age has been zero. I told myself I was not going to let myself be constantly saddened by the last this and the last that like you read about on various mom blogs. But I've failed. I have been sad every single time. I read once you don't realize you did the last of something with your child until you look back and suddenly it hits you that you no longer do it. Well, I made a point to try to remember and think if it was the last time I'd do something because I didn't want to look back and think I missed out on not knowing it was the last. It has not helped me. It's no less hard, but possibly the opposite. With our sweet and precious and perfect Finley I have been acutely aware of the "lasts". As I have seen them approach I have dug my heels in and dragged my feet, but still, time marches forward. How I wish I could travel back in time to once again cradle her tiny newborn body on my chest as we did after she was born. To feel that sense of peace and comfort that I felt being as close as we could be. I close my eyes and I can see our room as it was when we returned from the hospital with the crib just feet from my beside. How precious those early days were especially. Filled with exhaustion but so much love and happiness. I remember breastfeeding Finley and it going well and how happy that made me. The pump from the hospital, situated again on my nightstand as has always been the place it stood. I can't remember every moment, but I remember so many things and can't believe it was a year ago. All these wonderful memories we have from this first year with Finley, the blessing that completed our family. This time last year I was probably sleeping, or maybe technically I was using the restroom because I was constantly getting up to use the restroom at night. I had been somewhat occupied with various final baby projects while trying to stay off my feet and keep my blood pressure down. We had taken the kids to a small pumpkin patch to pick up a few for our porch. In my mind I knew any day was a possibility and I had my appointment with the dr to check my BP the next day. But I really thought it would be at least another week. So it really was a surprise. I can't help but smile as I reflect on the events of the day Finley was born and of course all these days after. When I first heard her cry and then the first time I saw her. The flurry of activity in the room as I lay there listening and taking it all in filled with joy. I'm so thankful for those pictures and early videos of Finley's first moments after birth. What a little pistol she was! And when they put her sweet little body all wrapped up next to my face so I could kiss her and smell her and tell her for the first time that mommy loves you. Tomorrow afternoon will be a whole year from when those magical moments took place.
My heart feels so many things... sadness and happiness and joy and who knows what else. Gosh it's been so amazing and I'm so lucky. God is good and while things have not always gone as I planned if they had I wouldn't have these amazing babies that I have. It's all still overwhelming trying to sort through the emotions.
If I had coffee and I wasn't so tired I could go on rambling, but I think it's time I go to bed. I want to be rested and celebrate our baby girl tomorrow. We also have such an exciting birthday party this weekend and I can't wait for Finley to be surrounded with love from our family and friends.
I'll be back, of course. Perhaps next time I can gather my thoughts a bit better, too. My mind is all over the place right now with so many emotions. I'm going to let myself feel all the feels and enjoy these moments because this is life. The happy tears, the sad tears, the laughter the snuggles, the millionth picture so I can remember it all and lots more. Happy first birthday sweet and precious Finley Irene.
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