It has occurred to me lately that I am wound up way too much... I need to just chill and just be, but I have such a hard time with that. I am a "go, go, go" person. Why would I sit down and just enjoy things when I could be up accomplishing something? I wish I could relax more, but I want everything to be just the way I think it should be in my mind. I want Emerson and Cameron to always feel happy. I want them to both know how special they are to me... I hate it when either one of them is upset, unless Emerson is upset because she got in trouble. In those instances I just want her to know I am mad at her or got on to her because I love her. When Cameron is upset I hate it because I love him so much... thankfully this is such a rare thing these days. He is such a happy baby. Side note- How is it we were blessed with two amazing kids? So with having two wonderful kids how is it I am so wound up? I'm just not letting myself handle my emotions at the right time I guess... I try to keep my cool and remain ok with everything, even when I am not. It has been more of a challenge than I realized it would be having two kids. Everything is great, but it can be hard. Everything with Emerson was so smooth, and this go round we have had a few more bumps... just minor bumps in the grand scheme of things, but it doesn't mean it is easy for me to adjust to it all. I joke about our house being in a state of chaos sometimes and it really does seem that way occasionally. There is so much to do sometimes it seems so I get in the "execute" mode where I try to get everything done. There have been times when both kids have been screaming about something and Frank and I just go... at this point we realize "this to shall pass" and we calm both kids down. We have worked out a routine at night and we enjoy our evenings with the kids... but we have had some rough nights. Thankfully we have gotten past the hardest time and in general everything is really much calmer now. After Cameron was born I had a hard time with my emotions when it came to being a good mom to Emerson. Which, how do you be a good mom? I felt like a bad mom because I couldn't get her in bed every night for many, many weeks. In writing it I know it sounds like it was not a big deal to miss night time, but that is a special time. It's my favorite time with Emerson... always has been. She is such an active little girl that those few precious minutes before she lays down are the few moments she lets you hug and squeeze her and shower her with kisses. I hated not being able to feel her hugs me back and squeeze me before laying down. To me I wasn't able to be a good mom and that sucked. I was so glad when the time came where I was able to get her ready for bed again. I felt like a much better mom again. In the beginning of July when Cameron got RSV I again felt a lot of things... and I didn't really talk about it. I was sad for him because it wasn't easy to see him hooked up to things with all the tubes and laying in a hospital bed. I was scared. I was thinking I surely should have been more careful since Emerson had been sick. So again, worst mom ever... While that isn't true, I wasn't feeling too great about things. But I didn't get emotional... I just focused on him getting well. When he did get better and we went home I hated that we had to cancel Emerson's birthday party with friends and family. It was supposed to be her special day and I had looked forward to decorating and celebrating at our house. But to be the best mom to Cameron it was what needed to happen. My parents were so helpful while Cameron was in the hospital and had been watching Emerson so she was still at my parents house the night before her birthday because we thought it made the most sense so we could focus on Cameron. This was hard for me because I felt like such a bad mom that Emerson would wake up on her birthday and I wouldn't be the first person she would see. The night before her birthday I was torn with what to do... it had been an exhausting couple of days in the hospital... poor Cameron was still wheezy and needed breathing treatments... and our sweet little girl was about to turn 2 and I wouldn't even be there. I had several mental conversations with myself... the emotional side of me was beating me up and the logical side was affirming it made the most sense for Emerson to stay one more night at my parent's house and that we would see her just a couple of hours after she woke up. But I still sat on the bottom of our stairs and cried thinking I was such a bad mom for not being there for Emerson. Only Frank knew how much that whole situation upset me... and obviously I am still beating myself up for something Emerson doesn't even remember. We ended up having a great birthday celebration at my parent's for Emerson... and everything is fine, but I may always feel like a bad mom for being away from her on her birthday. When we found out Cameron had to get a helmet I again felt a lot of things... sad, frustrated, worried... I knew it wasn't logical to get upset about it... it is just a helmet for goodness sakes, but I was so sad for him. When you feel powerless about something that is a crummy feeling. But I didn't get upset... I just kept telling myself it is temporary and everything will be fine. This strategy worked for a while... it worked until I got it in my head that he wouldn't have to wear his helmet too much longer. We have been very fortunate that he hasn't been bothered by his helmet... he doesn't get mad or cry about it at all. But still, as "easy" as it has been I every day look forward to the day when we are done and he graduates from his band. I look forward to just being able to kiss his sweet little face everywhere and rub his head everywhere. When I can hold him against my face and hug him without feeling the chunky plastic helmet instead of his fuzzy blonde hair. We look forward to that very much and unfortunately I was extremely disappointed last week. It didn't help that I was late to his appointment since traffic was heavier than I expected. When I arrived 10 minutes late they had already let the next appointment in since they had arrived early. I'm still trying to figure out why the 9am appt showed up at 8:30. Those ridiculous over achievers...But they were there first... so Cam and I were in the waiting room for a while. In my mind I was already stressed about having to miss work and sadly with each passing minute I grew more and more frustrated. As I write this and think back about how I acted and felt Friday I am disappointed in myself. It wasn't that at any point I was inconvenienced by needing to take care of something important for Cameron... it was that I got so consumed with my anxiety about being late to work, that they took forever to call me back to see the orthotist, that instead and getting the kind of news I wanted it was that Cameron would be in the helmet for sure 2 more months and maybe longer. I hate that I was as frustrated as I was... it makes me feel terrible. I love Cameron so so so much and we will and are doing everything we can to do what is best for him, but I was just so mad Friday. And it gets worse... I was so worried about missing time and realized later that morning that we needed to take Cameron to the 360 Wraps place to have his helmet measured and pick a design. I had delayed doing that until we were sure he would be in his helmet more than one more month. So as stressed as I was about missing work I knew I needed to take him to the 360 place. Thankfully my boss was very understanding... (I'm not just saying that... for real...) so I was able to leave and quickly got home to take Cameron over to 360 wraps. He was all ready to go... Kristen had him fed and changed and he was a happy boy. Traffic was great getting there and they were really nice people at 360. The owner was walking through and he talked with me for a minute and commented that he thought Cameron was a good looking baby. :) At that point I wasn't frustrated... I was just glad that we were going to be able to be in on the next wrap party. It was a quick stop there and I was able to get back on the road. It was around 4:45 when I left... I didn't get home until a little after 6:15... Whatever good attitude I managed to find between leaving work and getting to 360 wraps in just 25 minutes completely evaporated as I sat in traffic for over an hour. I was never mad at Cameron obviously, I was just mad... I hated that he was stuck in the car seat getting sweaty forever... traffic wasn't moving... When I finally got home I know I was cranky to Frank, but he was so understanding... I think he felt bad that we were in such bad traffic too. But it just wasn't the greatest day for me... not a good example of how to keep your cool when things don't go your way. I shouldn't have been so frustrated Friday in general.
So, what is the point of my rambling and long post? In short it is that I just want to be a good mom... I am letting all these things build up when I shouldn't. I have had some tough things to adjust to that while they are not terrible things, they are outside of "normal". I have a lot on my mind... I am feeling guilt about things I probably shouldn't, but I do. And sometimes I feel I am really failing at being the person I know I should be. I shouldn't be so wound up. Yes, it's hard to be everything I think I should be all the time... but here lately I think I should be doing better about not "sweating the small stuff"... that is something I really, really need to work on.
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