This summer Frank and I celebrated ten years of marriage. TEN YEARS. When we married in 2005 we were so young and life was so easy. We didn't know it was so "easy" at the time... we didn't have complaints or anything as life was really great, but what we didn't have at 23 and 24 years of age was perspective. Having perspective is a factor of both age and life experiences as I see it, and we both were at a time in our lives where everything was so great to say it simply. We were healthy, our families were healthy, we had great jobs and everything we dreamed and imagined was falling into place. But that would not always be the case, as we have learned together.
In our first year of marriage we had many challenges... we found the differences in our behaviors in situations and discovered that we would need to talk through them to become stronger and have the kind of marriage we wanted. Some things were simple, like getting Frank to wait to eat dinner with me instead of him just eating when he got hungry. It didn't occur to him that I may like to eat WITH him. :) But other things were more serious, like when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Many people do not know how hard that is on a relationship/marriage, especially a young marriage. I had to really let Frank know what kind of support I needed from him as we went through the uncharted territory of my dad battling cancer. We had to find out how to best support each other... for him to support me as we both, especially me changed emotionally, no longer as naive and blissful about life in general. Our first year of marriage was the hardest. We did not ever reach a point where we felt like we were not happy and needed a change, but there were so many tears for many reasons, and I'm thankful that rather than it tearing us apart, that it strengthened the love and appreciation we had for each other.
We continued through a few years of marriage that were more smooth sailing, so to speak. We enjoyed some wonderful vacations... we built a new house together! The same year as we built the house I had a career change and was in school getting my MBA. Big life changes that can cause problems in a relationship, but we were great. Frank's calm nature soothed my anxious nature many times! Usually all of the decisions when you build a house cause conflict, but we did not have that. It felt again like life was truly wonderful and we were SO happy! We decided it was time to start a family!
On our 4th anniversary, I realized I was late and took a pregnancy test to discover I was PREGNANT! How wonderful to find out that blessed news on your anniversary... it was a good sign, we thought! But then, we lost that baby. Life forever changed when I went in to find there was no longer a heartbeat. I had so many dark moments after that, but Frank remained strong during that time. While that helped at times, it also caused some friction with us. I was struggling... why wasn't Frank? Does he want a family as badly as I do? He must not if he is not as sad. Those are some of the thoughts that crossed my mind and we had to work through. Surprisingly, with the sadness in our hearts during that time, we experienced one of the happiest moments in our marriage when we took a vacation to Lake Tahoe... we recognized we needed a trip together to get away and it was everything we needed to heal and find happiness and peace again. Just he and I in a beautiful place... it felt majestic and heavenly as we looked out at Lake Tahoe... the fog hovering gently over the gorgeous blue water as the sunlight came through. We found and felt happiness again when it felt like that was not possible before... our emotional fog lifted. We also, as it turns out, conceived Emerson during that trip.
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| Lake Tahoe on a beautiful morning in October 2009 |
By the time our 5th anniversary came, we had welcomed Emerson, a beautiful and healthy baby girl! But I was a mess... postpartum hormones were so rough on me and who helped me in that emotionally disastrous time? My devoted husband.. Frank was not only super dad he was super hubs, too. While he, I know, was freaking out on the inside with the new parent struggles, he supported me and comforted me as I learned I really was a good mom and I figured out how to care for a newborn. My love and appreciation for him grew even more when we became parents. Now, frustration was there, too, of course. We found we handled things differently when it came to parenting... and we still do. I do things the right way (duh) and Frank still has much to learn (ha ha... I really am kidding). I think that is always going to be something you balance as parents... we have to be consistent on the important things, and we are always working on that.
You can fast forward a few years... another pregnancy loss, but another beautiful blessing and then when everything seems to be wonderful and joyful again, we found ourselves being hit with the terrible news of Frank's dad having cancer. It hit us like a ton of bricks... a terrible blow from out of nowhere. Why was this happening? Fortunately, by this point in our marriage we didn't find ourselves struggling with how to support each other, we were both hurting, especially Frank, obviously. During the 9 month battle that Frank's dad endured, Frank and I comforted each other while balancing so many things. Life is not always easy or fair, as we would see and feel that fair should be. It is hard to see your husband go through losing their father. It was not the timing we "expected" to be looking at... of course you know that it is likely that you'll have to go through losing your parents, but you hope it is much later in life.
That next spring and summer we had some wonderful vacations together that were much needed for us... the first was Cabo, which was perfect. A getaway for just the two of us. It was romantic and relaxing... what more can you ask for? Then to Hawaii with my family where at the end of the vacation we again enjoyed some time together, just Frank and I. Something we both realize is how important it is to have time for just the two of us, whenever we can arrange it! With young kids, work, household responsibilities and other demands of life in general you have to keep focus on your marriage. We have heard it many times that you have to always work on it and make it a priority.
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| Frank walking along the beach in Cabo |
Sadly, on night of our 9th anniversary we found ourselves in a hospital room saying our goodbyes to GG, sweet Virginia, a lady who meant to much to our family and to our children. And in this last year even, we had another pregnancy loss to be followed by the joyful news that we were expecting again. It's part of the journey and part of life.
As the time came this summer for our 10th anniversary we arranged a nice date day/night thanks to KK, who watched the kids for us. It was not the 10 year vacation that we talked about once before realizing we instead wanted to have a third child. We would have loved to do a big trip like go to Europe or something similar, but we are thankful to postpone that and instead be grateful for our marriage and where we find ourselves this year, after ten years of ups and downs that have brought us closer.
While maybe it seems like I've really emphasized the sad times and not all of the wonderful times, it is because it is in times of adversity and sadness that marriages strengthen or weaken. It takes humility, selflessness, love and much more to have a healthy marriage. To go through a terribly sad time and lean on each other and go through it together without pushing resentment or anger over the situation onto your spouse. While much of my Facebook feed and Instragram posts are the "highlight" reel of our lives, it isn't just the happy times that define us and our relationships. We have found in each other the person we want to experiences life's joy with and life's sadness. The person whose hand we hold through it all. The embrace that at the end of a long and stressful day comforts us. I still get frustrated with Frank, oh believe me, do I get frustrated. And I am sure I really irritate him as well with my fairly constant requests for him to do something and my picky nature. I know I can be difficult! But you know what, we laugh at each other. We make each other smile. We compliment each other and say nice things. I really do fall more in love with Frank each year. Right now, the sweet man is being super patient with me as I know I am one grumpy pregnant lady. Those closet to me can attest that I am pretty short fused right now. I, just this past week, was infuriated with Frank over a private matter. It's not the first time, nor will it be the last time, that I find myself thinking I could possibly strangle him. We are both human and we make mistakes. But I can't see anything dividing us. We mean too much to each other to not forgive or be patient with one another. I feel incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful husband. We have had a busy first ten years of marriage... I wonder what our next ten will bring. While that part is uncertain, what is certain is I know we will go through whatever comes our way together, hand-in-hand.
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| A picture from Summer 2014 |
