The End of a Journey Much Too Soon

Someone told Frank and I that this would be the hardest thing we'd go through.  I think we were at the hospital, which became such a familiar place for us all.  I remember acknowledging the comment yet at the time not fully understanding.  Big Frank was still with us then and our focus was on the now.  Still trying to hope that something could happen to make things better, yet knowing that it would not be.

We have found that comment to be true.  Something said maybe to help prepare us for the tremendous sadness we would feel, but there is no preparing.  Our hearts are heavy for so many reasons.   I mentioned before many of the things I was sad for when we knew this life we planned wouldn't go as planned.  These vacations we would take where Big Frank would be here to play golf with his sons and teach his grandchildren will not happen.  Big Frank won't be here to make the pinching sound as he would playfully pinch the kids to make them laugh.  We won't have more birthdays, holidays, or other special moments with him, at least not on this earth.  What we have is what we have and while I am thankful for the memories we have, they are not enough.  And while the intentions of so many are to help us, thinking of those memories and remembering the good times will never be enough.  It feels like we have had to go through this much, much too soon.  And we are asking why because it doesn't make sense and it hurts.  Usually, now, we are ok.  We have moments where we are overcome with sadness, but in general our days are so busy and hectic with our kids.  But we have not returned to Austin yet, and I know that when we do it will hit me again like a freight train.  I'll feel the absence of Big Frank's presence as I walk through their house.  And I know it will feel like it has happened all over again because we won't be adjusted to being there without him.  This sadness we feel comes in waves.  For a few weeks I would cry every day on my way to work thinking of the memories and the sadness for everyone.  Now I am usually ok unless I really start thinking about it and usually I try not to all the time.  But sometimes a song will come on the radio and for some reason it's like we are in Austin and we are driving to the hospital to see his dad.  It feels like we should be stopping for coffee, some pastries so we could pick up his favorites, or Taco Shack so he could have breakfast tacos.  We should be parking in the front of the hospital in the valet area since it is free on the weekends and then be able to visit with Dorthy and Big Frank.  All of these memories and thoughts instantly fill my mind and I will tear up realizing that we aren't going to see his Dad.

Everyone asks me how my Frank is... and I think he is ok.  He honestly is better than I am.  His sadness is there, but he continues on and really is doing well.  I know he misses his dad.  And that there is a place that cannot be filled by anyone or anything because his dad was such a special part of his life.  And really that is a huge part of what makes this all so hard.  My sadness is not just about what I am missing, it's the enormity of the loss to everyone Big Frank touched.  His wife, his children, his grandchildren, his brother, other family, friends... It is that everyone hurts and things won't ever be the same.

What has helped greatly with all of this has been the support from friends and family.  My family came to Big Frank's funeral and so did my sweet friends Stefanie and Sue.  That meant so much.  The flowers my girlfriends sent brought tears to my eyes just knowing they were trying to lift our spirits.  And all the cards from friends... such wonderful support.  It's a powerful emotion that I feel to know that the prayers and thoughts from so many people were sent to help us get through this time.

I know it will continue to be hard for us, especially with the holidays coming soon.  We will just have things as they come and do what we can.  We will feel how we feel and that will be what it is.  Being a planner I want to try to plan things and make things ok, but I realize I cannot control this.  Nothing will make this easy... we just have to do it and live it...

I'd like to share the poem we selected for Big Frank's service program.  While the message usually makes me cry, I think it helps:

I Am Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free 

to follow the path God made for me.

I took His hand when I heard Him call.

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,

to love, to laugh, to work or play,

Tasks left undone must stay that way,

for I found peace at last, that day.

If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembering joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,

oh yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with hearts of sorrow.

My wish for you is the hope of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I've savored much,

good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed much too brief,

don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your hearts and share with me,

God wants me now --- He's set me free.  

Below are a few pictures that mean a lot to me...

Dorthy holding Big Frank's hand in the ICU.

Big Frank holding the cross he gave Dorthy.

Some of my favorite pictures of Big Frank with the kids.

Big Frank's casket at the visitation.

Sweet Cameron before the funeral.

Emerson before the funeral... Big Frank would have thought she looked so beautiful.

The kid's fingerprints on top of Big Frank's vault at the cemetery.  They will always be with him.

We miss Big Frank so so much.  

Cam is 16 months old!

Ok, so I am a month behind on this one too, but Cam Cam is 16 months old.  Almost a month ago now he had his 15 month checkup and everything was great.

I will have to locate the sheet that has his weight on it so I can update that (seriously it is somewhere in my purse, potentially... I hope!), but I know he gained weight and bounced back up to another growth curve.  The doctor said he looked great and was pleased with his development.  He not only walks now, but almost trots along rather quickly.  Turn your back for a second and he is gone!  Now he never crawls...  :(  Funny how I couldn't wait for him to walk, and now it is a little sad that he doesn't crawl!!  (I know I am looney-tunes).  I guess it was around 13 1/2 months... it has been a while now.  I got a sweet video several weeks back of him walking all over Frank and Dorthy's driveway.  Here is that video, which I really love!  :)

Cam has started saying some more words now so he has a few that he likes to say:

Bye-Bye---  sounds like Bah-Buuuuuyyy with a sort of Texan drawl
Night-Night---  more like Nigh-Nigh
Yum--- sounds like Yum (ha ha) He says this when eating
Down--- More like Daaaunn, but hard to type how it sounds.  We know he is saying this because when you hold him he immediately starts saying it and trying to get out of your arms!  :)
Mamma and Dadda--- this is the same as before
Yeah---  Says Yeah when you ask him questions or talk to him sometimes
Unh-Unh--- So I am not sure how this is spelled, but it is him saying no when I try to take a toy from him.  We try not to say "No" all the time so we say Unh-Unh... he is doing the same to us.

He also repeats sounds you make... for example, if we say to him "Say ball" he will copy the sound, but he doesn't say ball all the time without being prompted.

Also, he doesn't say no, but he adamantly shakes his head left and right to let us know of his disapproval to whatever it is.  If he doesn't like the food, lots of head shaking.  If he doesn't want to come to you when you tell him to he shakes his head.  Actually, pretty much any time you ask him something he will shake his head no unless you are offering milk or some kind of treat.

Just a few short weeks ago Cam would eat pretty much anything.  We commented often how fantastic it was that he was such a good eater and was so flexible.  But then suddenly he changed his mind and pretty much overnight stopped liking some of his old favorites... no much fruit or apple sauce pouches... he can't stand them now...  doesn't like yogurt like he did before... he doesn't even like macaroni it seems!!  I don't know what happened... it is crazy.  It really feels like he suddenly got tired of those things.  So we will keep trying and giving him different foods.  Maybe this is just a phase... of course everything is "just a phase".

Something else is happening more and more often, though...  Sweet little guy has developed a pretty big temper.  It was fairly infrequent before, but now he often throws what seems to be a tantrum.  Legs are pulsing up and down kicking, screaming on and on... HEAD BUTTING me!!!  And he tries to slap my face sometimes, too!  He doesn't know how to process the anger, so we are working on that.  Don't get me wrong... he is still my little prince charming... he melts my heart, but he has a temper for sure.  :)

Cam loves his naps and to go to bed.  You tell him it is time for night-night and he giggles!!  He can hardly contain his excitement sometimes when I am changing him to get to bed...  I try snuggling with him and he usually almost tries to climb out of my arms into bed!!  While this is usually the case the other night I was holding him and he was comfortable in my arms and made that sweet baby sigh... that sound that little itty bitty newborns make sometimes.  It almost made me cry... I squeezed him and kissed him and laid him down to sleep.   Usually he is in bed by 8:30 or so and wakes up between 7:30 and 8...  usually!!  :)

He is great about responding to commands... we will ask him to drink more milk when he is shoveling food in his mouth and sometimes he disagrees, but many times he will take a drink like we ask.  When you tell him you are going to change his diaper he will sometimes go over to the diapers and try to open the cabinet to pull them out and then walks over to the couch... KK showed me that the other day.  In the morning I will pick him up and tell him to say bye-bye to the pacifier and many times he takes it out and drops it in the crib and then tosses his lovies in there as well.  He knows what it means to "go upstairs" and heads to the stairs to go up.  When people say bye-bye he says it back and sort of waves.  He is learning new things every week and copies his big sister on a lot of things!

Alecia took some fantastic family pictures for us several weeks ago that I need to post on here and I have not taken as many pictures lately, so I just have a couple of pictures of Cam for now.  Look at how big our little munch is getting!

Sometimes he still sleeps with his legs curled up under him and I think it is so sweet.

Look at that sweet smile!  

Our baby girl turned 3!

Eek!!  It's the end of August and I never posted anything about Emerson turning 3 as I intended.  We have been so busy!!  I actually started this post a month ago or more and have not found the time to finish it until tonight... though finding the time is not necessarily the case.  I guess I am making the time!!  Here is what I had saved as a start:

It really does seem crazy to me that we have a three year old.  Where has the time gone?  Wasn't it just yesterday that we brought her home??  Or that she started walking and then speaking in sentences??  Now she is rapidly morphing into a teenager it seems!  OK, not a teenager... that is overly dramatic, but time does need to slow down. :)  The last year has passed much too quickly because it really does seem like she just turned two.  I guess a lot of that is because we have two little loves that keep us busy and time gets away from us.  Emerson is such a special little sweetheart.  She is both gentle and tough at the same time.  She picks up on other people's feelings and will say the simplest, and kindest things.  As adults we feel and think in such complex terms, but our sweet angel has a different perspective.  All of life's boo-boo's can be fixed with a kiss or a sticker (bandaid).  At some point Emerson started saying really long sentences and figured things out.  Her mind may be young, but she is a smart little girl.  Our favorite things she does are when she calls us "baby" like when she says, "it's over there baby" when pointing to something.  Her giggle is contagious and will always make you smile.  Sometimes we sing together at night and her little angelic voice is music to our ears.  Her favorite songs are "You are my Sunshine", "ABC's, "Wanda and CC's song" (she means Amanda and CC, and there song is a unique version of Jesus Loves Me), "Happy Birthday" (yes, for real), and sometimes "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".  Every night we sing the entire repertoire before she will go to bed.

So now I will add...

I really just can't express in words the joy Emerson brings us... just her smile brightens my day.  Her hugs send a feeling of love and sweetness through me.  Her voice is so soft and sweet... she is irresistible in every way.  It is strange how old she seems some times... she says things that surprise us... it is fun being able to reason with her and actually talk through things.  But how can this be?

We are so excited that our little big girl starts pre-school NEXT WEEK!!   She will be going Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 9-2 and also having dance class Wednesdays from 2-2:45.   This is truly exciting for her and us.  Since we are so very fortunate to be able to have a nanny, Emerson has always been home and doesn't have a ton of exposure to other kids.  I think this is going to be really great for her social interactions, her ability to share (good luck to the teachers!), learning how to spell her name, and so much more.  I have some concerns of course... one being the lunch situation.  She is still a very picky eater so it will be challenging to pack her lunch, but we will figure it out.  Maybe she will see other kids eating different things and will want to try something new.  Is that way too wishful thinking?  Probably so.  :)  I'm also a little worried about her using the potty there.  We help her with everything here and she does really great, but I am wondering how much they will be able to help her there.  So we will cross our fingers it is a great transition that is accident free.  I know she will adjust and have so much fun, but I am a tad worried.

I guess these are the highlights for now...  so here are a couple of pictures of our amazing 3 year old!!  :)

Emerson and Grandad- she was brightening his day in the hospital!

Emerson trying our her new nap mat that she will be using in pre-school!!

Here is a video of Emerson singing her favorite songs... I just love this video.  Notice how she says "You make me happy when skies are great."  Oh goodness, our little sweetheart.  :)

Emerson's 3rd Birthday celebrations!

My little baby girl is already 3 and we have had so much fun celebrating her birthday!!  Since we were in Austin on her actual birthday we enjoyed celebrating with MomMom and Grandad and Uncle Glenn.  I had gotten her some cupcakes and after dinner we sang Happy Birthday to her and tried to see if she would blow out the candle.  Now, I have not at all worked with her to practice or talked about blowing out the candles.  So she was seriously not sure what to think.  We caught the whole thing on video actually... it makes me laugh every time.  And poor sweetie got upset at the end because we all yelled when she almost touched the flame, which scared her I think.  Poor Emerson!!  :)

On Emerson's birthday she enjoyed breakfast and was surprised with a birthday balloon.  This girl loves balloons!!  After breakfast we headed to Duncanville for lunch to see CC and PaulPaul and Uncle JP and Aunt Amanda.  There we also sang Happy Birthday and they had a cake for Emerson to blow out.  But still, she was not sure about the candle and how to blow it out... still, we tried to encourage her.  This video makes me laugh as well!

When we got home that night our Korean neighbors were walking by and upon learning it was her birthday wanted to sing Happy Birthday in Korean.  How cool is that?!!  You can enjoy it, too!!

And yesterday we had Emerson's 3rd birthday party!  It was a swim party for all her friends and family.  We all had a great time swimming, eating pizza, chips, and cupcakes with ice cream!!  The party was from 10-12, so it was before it got insanely hot outside.  I appreciate all of our friends for coming out and making it so special for our little sweetheart.  I am so glad we were able to have a party this year since last year we ended up needing to cancel her party.  Here are several pictures from the festivities!

Welcome to the party!  I love her shirt!!  (Thanks Megan Martinez!)

Our wonderful neighbors, Francis and Ron

Dessert table with the ice-cream toppings and goody bags

Love this picture!!

Ha!!  Look at his facial expression... too funny!!

The gang!  Lots of wonderful kiddos who keep growing up so fast!

Our 3 year old young lady!!

Daddy helping Emerson with her ice-cream toppings!

Kellie, Cam, Stef and me!

We sang Happy Birthday at her party, too!

As you can see, we have had so much fun celebrating her 3rd birthday!!   :)  Also, she got the coolest present EVER from her Aunt Amanda, a refurbished school desk!!  Amanda painted it pink and green and stenciled cute designs all over it including her name.  I LOVE IT and Emerson LOVES IT.  Seriously, coolest gift ever.  Thanks Aunt Amanda!!

4th of July in Austin

We spent the 4th of July in Austin this year to enjoy a visit with Frank's family and see the beautiful fireworks.  Big Frank was not feeling good and had to be in the hospital for several days, which meant he wasn't able to be home for the fireworks or spend as much time with the kids.  But Frank was able to stay at the hospital with him to visit and keep him company as he regained strength to come home.

Still, we really enjoyed the weekend.  We drove down the morning of the 4th and the traffic was great, which was a nice change from the last few trips.  That afternoon we visited Big Frank in the hospital and took the kids up to see him as well before going to the house to watch the fireworks.  While at the hospital Emerson made a few comments about Granddad needing to have a shirt on since he didn't have one on in the hospital.  She isn't used to see a person not wearing a shirt and that was the first thing she noticed.  It made us all laugh.  The fireworks that night were really pretty and Emerson was our own personal announcer of the colors.  "RED! .... BLUE! .... RED!... GREEN!..." she would exclaim each time the fireworks went off.  She just loved it and was giggling up a storm!  Cam was just chill about the whole thing.  

The rest of the week we hung out.  I went shopping with Dorthy and had a great time.  I also used a giftcard to a spa that Frank's Uncle Carl gave me for Christmas.   Poor Big Frank was in the hospital, but Frank enjoyed the time visiting with him.  He was able to come home Saturday afternoon after a really long drawn out check out process.  So that night we celebrated Emerson's birthday as well.

Even though the plans were not quite what we had in mind, we really enjoyed the weekend.  Here are a few pics as well.

The sweetest kids in the world.  :)

My sweet guys!  

Our family  :)

Lots of fun watching the fireworks!

Milena (MiMi) loves the kids and loves braiding Emerson's hair!

The sunset before the fireworks.

Daddy and Emerson waiting for the fireworks show.

Sky divers before the fireworks show at ACC (Austin Country Club)

My sweeties in matching pjs!

Potty Training- The Real Deal

You may recall the first time I mentioned we were potty training Emerson... it was pretty much a year ago.  I was so optimistic and thought it would be so easy and fast.  But it wasn't.  Emerson absolutely hated sitting on the potty and it was punishment in her mind.  So we stopped and decided to wait "for a better time".  But then the timing of potty training didn't get any easier.  With us taking frequent trips to Austin we were not going to have a long stretch of time that was the optimal travel free time.  So potty training was on the back burner for a while.  While I still felt all these social pressures because everyone else's perfect kid figured it out at 19 months, 1 day and 2 hours I was ok with her wearing diapers.  But then it crossed my mind that her third birthday was just around the corner and I felt another urge of pressure to try it again.  My little baby is growing into a little girl... she will be in preschool three days a week next year and taking dance and I know she needs to be potty trained, so one Sunday I decided to try it again!!

What the other moms didn't tell me....

I, of course, have asked my other experienced mom friends about potty training.  I always got the generic, you just have to constantly put them on there and be consistent, etc.  It is logical and I thought, "yeah, yeah, I get that!".  And of course, using rewards.  I had been talking to Emerson about using the potty for a while and I told her that day that we were going to start using it and no more diapers.  She would get 1-2 M&Ms each time she used the potty.  She wasn't too enthusiastic about it, but we started.  And let me tell you, it was so B O R I N G!!!  No one told me about this part... My strategy (after consulting with my expert friends) was to keep her on the potty for a bit, let her run around for a bit, then back on the potty, etc.  It really just felt like eternity with nothing happening.  Sure enough, we had 2 accidents.  The first was when I gave up doing this downstairs and took her upstairs to get ready for her nap.  Poor girl peed on the carpet!!  Then that night she peed on her high chair (not to worry... I had a thick towel under her bum just in case!).  She was upset, but I told her it was ok, and that she would continue trying to use the potty.  The next day and week KK took over during the day and I resumed at night.  On Monday she had another accident, but also had successes using the potty.  We were pleased that she was not having accidents and found that Emerson can hold it for over 4 hours!!  Wow!!  I guess it was Tuesday that Emerson just wasn't using the potty much, but also wasn't having accidents either and it clicked with me....  she was holding it.  Smart little girl decided she would hold it until nap time or bed time.  Once we realized that we told her no nap time until she went potty.  And that was NOT what she wanted to happen.  Kristen first witnessed this, but Emerson got so upset she was shaking and saying she wanted a diaper and she wanted to go to bed and then it would happen, she couldn't hold it any more and would pee!!  This freak out situation happened for a few days, and then it got better.  Then the next concern was poop... oh no, that just never goes very well it seems...  Her first time to do that was a big deal too... she was so upset and then it happened!  And then she was proud of herself.  She then started telling us when she needed to go pee and then she started wearing big girl panties!!  Yay!!!  So while we still have work to do with getting her to go # 2 normally on the potty, she has the #1 down.  She rode all the way down to Austin and back without having any accidents!!  She has been out on lots of errands and no accidents!  The last accident was the 2nd day of potty training, so I say this has been a huge success.  The first two days were the hardest, and then once we figured out she was holding it we just had to get her to feel good about peeing.  It really is a relief... I am proud of our sweet Emerson.  She caught on so quickly and I am so glad that she can hold it for longer periods of time... that is a relief too!!

And I wasn't going to post a pic of her on the potty again, but this one just makes me laugh so I have to share.  :)

We're Moving!!!

It is pretty crazy, but Frank and I have decided to move!!  We have been watching the Bent Tree area for a while in case we saw a house that we loved.  It was really just a casual watch.  As we were in the area we would drive around.  Six weeks or so ago we thought it may be a good idea with the house market moving faster to keep a closer look so we called our realtor, Paula, and asked her to set up a search for us.  She did, and we were getting a weekly email with the listings in the Bent Tree area.  We were not really acting on things, but one house came on the market that Paula thought we may want to check out.  While looking at that house we thought we could look at a couple of others as well.  The first house was not so great and needed too much work, but the moment we walked in to the second house it just felt like the perfect home for us.  For those who have had that feeling before when looking at houses you know what I am talking about.  It somehow already felt like home.  I was caught off guard for sure because we were causally looking for fun... We were skeptical that something would jump out at us that we would fall in love with enough to leave our already fantastic home.  We love our Lofty Lane home, but this new house is special to us.  We talked more later that night and agreed that we just really, really liked that house.   From there, things moved very quickly... This was a Thursday night that we looked and the next day we had a golf tournament that we were both playing in for work.  On Friday morning I called our realtor and told her we wanted to place an offer as long as Frank and I could still back out if we changed our mind.  So we decided to place an offer with a 10 day option period so we could really think it through.  As Frank and I were playing on the golf course we were both using our phones to sign the offer letter through, pretty crazy.  They countered and we countered and by the next morning we had a verbal agreement that needed to be legally executed on the offer letter.  We had an appointment scheduled to look at the house again so we arrived and were waiting to meet Paula to get in.  I called her and she had just gotten off the phone with the seller's agent who told her that the seller's left the signed contract on the bar in the house so we could sign it, but that the agent had just gotten a call that a full price offer was being submitted.  Ahhhh!  So we needed to get a hold of that contract and sign it ASAP!  Paula was almost there and I was walking around the house trying to see if I could spot the contract.  I may have somehow gotten in to the house before she arrived since the back door opened...  Where I was then able to get the contract off the counter while we waited...  Paula arrived and looked over the contract before we signed and we let out a sigh of relief.  Phew, that was crazy!  We worried that the seller's would return and take the contract with them, but thankfully they did not try to recant the offer they made to us that morning.  That afternoon we felt that we definitely wanted the house as long as there was no major finding with the inspection so we decided we better get our house ready to be on the market ASAP.  Immediately we bought lots of boxes and started packing and getting ready to stage the house.  That next week the inspection was scheduled and it all went ok... the seller's have not taken nearly as good of care of the house as we will, but nothing scared us away.  We finished getting our house ready to sell and by Friday, one week and a day after "just looking" at houses, our home was officially on the market.  Not much happened over the weekend, but then the next week we got an offer!  But... it has now sadly fallen through!!  So back on the market we go and today we have an open house.  Fingers crossed that this week we get an offer with a buyer who can get the full financing!  Really we are feeling ok now as we will be able to stay in our home until we can move into our new home, whereas before we were going to have to live at an Extended Stay for a couple of weeks.  So that is great news!!  And some other craziness has happened too... with the new house we found out the seller's had a lien placed by the IRS that potentially prevented us from being able to take a clean title, but that too has been resolved thankfully.  Lots of roller coasters with all of this!!  But it is also so much fun.  We can't wait to get in to the new house and make it our own.  We are working with different contractors to get things updated:  floors, painting, the master bath, the pool, air conditioning, etc.  It will be a busy 2 weeks after we close as we have various work done, but then we can move into this perfect home for our family and begin making new memories there!  We will miss Lofty Lane very much, of course, but this is a really great thing for us.  I have thought about our blog name since it is from our street name.  But I love it and will definitely keep it the same.

I'll definitely post pictures of the before and after work we are doing, but here are a few pics of our new home!  :)